Nothing flattering about abuse

People in abusive relationships sometimes mistake the abuse for intense feelings of care. It can even seem flattering when your boyfriend or girlfriend is jealous: it might seem like he/she cares. But excessive jealousy and controlling behaviour are not signs of affection at all.

When Sunil and Sudha began seeing each other, his friends were very envious. After all, Sunil was smart, sensitive, funny, athletic, and good-looking. For the first couple of months, Sunil was on cloud nine. He was spending more time with Sudha than with everyone else. That seemed easier than dealing with Sudha’s endless questions of what he was doing at every moment of the day. Sunil’s friends became concerned when he started to avoid them. Even the little time he spent, he seemed to have lost interest in things he enjoyed, like going to the movies, playing cards and swimming. He became secretive and moody. When his friends asked if he was having problems with Sudha, he started avoiding them. In the name of love, Sudha subjected him to verbal, emotional, and physical trauma, and sometimes even forceful sex.

Red flag to abusers

When your partner becomes jealous or angry when you want to spend time with your friends, demands to know where you are at all times, twists the truth to make you feel you are to blame for your partner’s actions, harms you physically or tries to control different aspects of your life — how you dress, who you hang out with, and what you say. If he/she often humiliates you or belittles your loved ones to crush your love and respect for them, threatens to self-harm if you leave the relationship and forces you into unwanted sexual acts, you know you’re in an abusive relationship.

Gaining dignity

It will be difficult and emotionally challenging to get out of such a relationship. However, the first step is to realise that you have the right to be treated with dignity and respect. Believe me, a loving partner will not be verbally, physically or emotionally harm you. Secondly, because you had isolated yourself from your friends and family, you might feel like you have no where to turn, or you might be embarrassed about what has been going on, but this is when you need to seek support and help.

Ending abuse and gaining selfworth is a collaborative effort. There are organisations with professionally trained staff to listen, understand, and help. In addition, doctors, and other health professionals can be sources of support and information. A trusted relative, friend, family physician or any well-wisher of yours can be of help. It’s important to know that asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness. It actually shows that you have a lot of courage and are willing to stand up for yourself. It’s also likely, that you will need counseling and guidance to come out of a cycle of abuse, especially if you still love the person who has hurt you.

— therapist.saras@gmail.com