Controlling partners are toxic

While in the initial stages of a friendship or relationship, a dominating partner could gratify your emotional needs but eventually the smothering can suffocate you. The partner may emphasize in the beginning stating that s/he is doing it for your good because s/he cares so much about you. Dominating partners will always be very charming and look confident. No wonder you will find him/her attractive, but do not get fooled.

Controlling and dominating people are unfortunately the product of an incisive intellect with low self-esteem. They impose their beliefs and organise your every day activities — right from simple tasks such as who you can to speak to, for how long and what to wear. Such demands and expectations can literally stress you to the point where you can get isolated from the ones you enjoyed being with until you met this person. In this relationship, you can never be the captain of your own ship. If and when you identify your relationship to be toxic to your individuality and future, you must take decisive steps. Being indecisive can give more power to the dominator.

If you attempt to express your displeasure and that you are considering ending it, s/he would promise to change and would make improvements just to keep you attached. Stringing you along with little bit of what you need or want would make you believe that s/he is going to change. The fact is that s/he is probably not really capable of change at this point. As soon as you settle back into the relationship, the pattern resumes. It is just a ploy to keep you around till s/he re-establishes control.

In order to reassert control, the person will look for signs — how you react to crying, begging, threats of self-harm, etc. If you reacted to those, you will add fuel to the belief that s/he can win you back. Being compassionate will only make it more difficult to break away. Every minute you stay, talk, commiserate, apologize or, otherwise, play along is a win because s/he knows you don’t want to leave him/her in such an awful state. But remember that you are not helpless and your happiness and freedom is more important.

— therapist.saras@gmail.com